Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
