easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
