Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
