Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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