i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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