Don't you send me to vm
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize