she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
