Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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