I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
