I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
