I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
