I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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