Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
