I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
