I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My bed smells like the plague
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
