I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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