Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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