Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I want to be your penis for a week.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
