Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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