Will you blow on my dice?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
