watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it's great music for shaving your balls
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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