hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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