Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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