I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
