I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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