it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
