I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
