did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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