I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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