3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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