foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
