the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
