so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
