just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
