I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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