everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
