she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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