Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
