I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
