I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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