I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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