I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize