I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
