he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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