it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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