I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
