Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
