please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
