I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize