I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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