i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
