I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
