The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
