If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
