I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
