Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i will never coherently bang her
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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