did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
