And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
