This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
