i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize