are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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