Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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