Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
